Hate is not the same as being very, very, angry for a very, very long time. Hate needs to destroy or fundamentally alter the object if its attention and therefore is not sustainable. Once something is destroyed or fundamentally altered, a new or different object must be found to hate. There is no altering hate, its only mission is to destroy. Hate is something you must just walk away from when you find it. On the other hand, there are times in life and places in the world where being very, very, angry for a very, very long time is a reality. There are very extreme examples we hear of that happen mostly in other countries (or so we think) that brings this to stark awareness. What about a child who’s parents were killed or died before they were five years old in some awful way or who they saw die at the hands of some heartless killer or worse die from the inability to sustain the basic needs of life, food, shelter or freedom from illness. Will that child ever be able to transform that early life altering experience of cruelty and inhumanity to one where they can trust wholly in the goodness of people? To open their heart again to the awareness of their vulnerability which is the cornerstone of all good relationships? Just as important, can you move someone off hate to being very, very, very angry? I do not know the answer to that question. I do know the shift can only come from inside. What are the ingredients that go into that transformation? How do you tell the difference between the two? All very good questions to pose.
I came from a small town in California and my parents didn’t die when I was very young. But my early life experiences taught me to doubt and very much mistrust the idea that goodness and compassion could be and really is the only position of power. Deep inside I was very, very, angry. Luckily for me I found someone who knew that sitting with me for a very, very, very long time was the only way I could really change my fundamental reality. As she sat with me she helped me discover my true self and I began to release my clutch on the anger I didn’t even know was there and yet thought was keeping me alive. In the beginning I was drowning in a sea of anger mixed in with other more subtle (and ultimately more interesting) feelings. She held me up when I was afraid because I could not breath, she held out a firm hand to grasp when I fought and tried to destroy the connection with the hate I had inside. And slowly, ever so slowly I learned to trust again, to let my heart beat again.
Because of my experience I believe fully in this process of transformation and yet I know it is very, very difficult and at times seems rare. I have built a good life for myself and have a family I love, something that at one point wasn’t even on my radar. I thought that I was going to use up two or three life-times just to get to the other side of my dark night. Well guess what, the night is not so dark and I can see the bright glow of the early dawn and I have some time left. I’d love to share the hope I’ve come to know and which I found exists even in the darkest of nights. I would love to give back to the world this wonderful discovery by simply being it and by doing so bring it, slowly, softly, sweetly into the world.
