Sheryl Sandburg’s book Lean In and the entire Lean In movement has helped shine light on the disparities between men and women in the working world and the contribution women add to that disparity. I agree with her and I have had to examine my own career in light of this. Research from her book reveals that one of the reasons men are promoted and get higher paying jobs is because they ask for them. Google has a system where engineers nominate themselves for promotions, and the company found that men nominated themselves more quickly than women. A McKinsey Report citing internal research at Hewlett Packard showed that women apply for open jobs only if they think they meet 100 percent of the criteria listed, whereas men respond to the posting if they feel they meet 60 percent of the requirements. I think these are very important indicators and something that needs to change. But why do men promote themselves more than women? Obviously much if not most of it is cultural. Girls and boys learn these behaviors because they are the ones that are reinforced. But looking a little deeper I am curious if there are any differences that are not completely cultural.
When my twins boys were toddlers I learned first-hand some of the differences between boys and girls. What I learned was that the differences start very early. Take language as an example. My boys were quite happy with the word “ball”, “trash” and “back” and a few other key words and as a new mother I was proud of their accomplishments. Then I began to notice, almost without exception, the girls that they would interact with who were the same age were light years ahead of my boys when it came to language development. One such girl’s parents were Indian and she had an extensive vocabulary and was happily translating between Farsi and English. I began to notice that pretty much most girls had a leg up on my dear boys when it came to language. Of course I had heard about this difference between girls and boys, but seeing it in action made it so much more meaningful and personal. Although the gap has narrowed as they have grown up and is not so obvious, I can still see it. Realizing this actually helped me understand and to have more compassion for men in general and my husband (and boys) specifically.
Something else I noticed that was different was in the way boys interact. Boys love and I would say have a need for a form of one upmanship for which an outer truth or reality isn’t a necessary component. Invariably a friend would come over and all boys would proceed to tell “tall tales” of all their exploits. All of which were 99% untrue (I am not exaggerating here!), but this didn’t seem to be the goal of the interaction. I was talking to a friend of mine who has two boys similar in age to mine and she related the same experience of watching her boys interact. I also began to notice that this one upmanship would happen when the boys got together after not seeing each other for a period of time as a way of connecting or reestablishing the boundaries of their relationship. Often the topic would be about how many real weapons they own (none), and what kind of motorcycles they drive (keep in mind they are nine). I must say as a woman I just cannot relate to this, but I find it fascinating in its difference. As I watched this interaction I began to realize that this interaction between boys is very important and necessary to their development. I also think it has something to do with how it is more natural for men to self-promote.
When my son was eight he and his friend were engaging in this familiar pattern and my son’s friend was searching for what he could say that could best his friend. He started with “my dad is a scientist” (not true), and went on after that. None of what he was saying was really registering on my son (he probably wasn’t really listening), and his friend, searching for that one thing that would best his pal, looked around the room and in noticing my purse on the table blurts out, “my mom’s purse is bigger than your mom’s purse”. I literally fell out of my chair laughing (exaggerating a bit here). Really? My mom’s purse is bigger than your mom’s purse? Is that the goal of all this boasting? Maybe women have more influence on this interaction between boys than they realize. So I say, Lean In and carry a big purse.